Dear Biebs~(can I call you Biebs? well, I did….I am older than you)
Listen, it’s about time we had a little chat. See, I have an almost teenster here in the house that absolutely adores you. Beliebster to the max. She has 3 other siblings that mock and ridicule her puppy-love for you in an unending fashion. She can take it though, her love is strong. Today, she was embarrassed for you. Really embarrassed. She is going as far as taking her iPod case cover of you off and going back to her polka dot number. That’s a big deal, dude. She is still mulling over removing the posters, mainly because there is such a large selection of your younger, more well-behaved days. Concert? Out of the question. Movie? Nope. Lately, your 19 year-old shenanigans are fodder for many teaching moments of “What NOT to do” and “How NOT to behave”. Our boys are SO over hearing it.
You had a pretty good run there and I’ll admit, I was smitten with your adorable-ness. However, now. Now. Shake my head. You are in luck, though. This country we live in has an immeasurable ability to forgive our celebrities for their poor decisions (especially our younger celebrities). We’ve all made mistakes; the question is what do we do with the knowledge we gain from those mistakes? So, I offer you up a few little tidbits of “elderly” advice:
1) Don’t smile for your mug shot. Let’s try to look a little repentant, K? Presentation is everything.
2) Time to pick some new friends. Change the playground. Your homies…they’re steering you WRONG. All. Over. The. Place. Fo’ realzie. Go low under the radar. Friends or hangers on? There IS a difference.
3) Eggs are for hardboiling or scrambling. Bake with them. Put them in a smoothie. Juggling perhaps, but tossing. Vandalizing. Boo hiss. Not their function.
4) We don’t always get along with our neighbors; practice civility and kill ’em with kindness. Spitting is just gross. Love thy neighbor. Goes a long, long way and sometimes, if you have the flu or have a major crisis in your life they are there with chicken soup or a grocery bag of food to help you through it. Your neighbors probably just want to help you pack. And move on out.
5) “That” is NOT where you are going to find a nice girl. You know what I am talking about here. You may find a nice case of something requiring some antibiotics, but a nice girl? no. Move on. Eww. Just eww.
6) Call your mom. I think you need some time with Mama, a nice little old fashioned what-for. If she’s not available, come on over. I’m happy to yank your ear over some hot chocolate and a “family meeting”.
7) You’ve got a lot of years ahead of you and a lot of talent. Take this time off and use it wisely. Recreate your image to a lesser thug-life image. Let’s pull it together. Maybe you could get together with Justin Timberlake for some pointers since he’s managed to be wildly successful without crashing and burning. Just a thought. Haven’t we had enough Lindsay Lohans and Amy Winehouses?
Until then my friend, my daughter is off-limits. (Probably forever, but at least until you show a decent track record of behaving a little/lot better). Her heart will mend, but she’s learned a good few lessons on what kind of man she doesn’t want to be with (I sure hope so, anyway).
Blessings and best of luck on your recovery time in rehab. (that’s generally the next step after something like this, right?)