Here I am

Sometimes it is easy to pray the words?  But to live the words?  That is the hard part.

My last blog was all about seasons of change in our marriage and boom…..season change!

Recently I’ve found myself in job limbo, much to my surprise.  It is a new situation for me and one that I have (blessedly) never experienced before.  My current job is interesting in itself in that when I took this job I wasn’t even looking for a job but it found me and with much prayer and discussion realized this was an opportunity to provide the professional growth I had been seeking and so I jumped in and it’s been fascinating and exactly what I was looking for and I have been able to put into practice many new ideas and programs in addition to “peopleing”……lots of “peopleing”.  And I have loved it all….even on the frustrating days.

So it was with much confusion, anxiety, anger and angst that I have been wrestling with this change over the past week.  My brain has been on overload, at the same time also mercifully full of reason that far outweighs the panic and rage, but still.   Tough.  Tough week.  So much brain activity.

In prayer I am reminded that I didn’t choose this job, God placed me here.   Apparently He has something better in mind and it is time to move on and yet I find myself coming back to my toddler-hood in a mental tantrum because I LIKE IT HERE.   I am not ready to move on.  So, my heart asked me the hard question, “do you pray or merely provide lip service?”  And it stopped me.

I am a faithful prayer warrior; ask me and I will lift you up and if you need some direction, I have often been able to see that clarity for others—but I have rarely turned that focus to my own life.   Until now.  And God is showing me the many choices I can make—-blessed with options—and He is promising me that any of these choices will provide the “next step” I need in my life.  He placed me here and He has never left me, guiding, guarding and protecting me along this road.

So I pray,  “Jesus, I trust in you”.  But when I stop with the lip service and speak it with my heart, I know that He has this.  And like my hubby says, it’s time to put on my big-girl pants and face it head on.   I was made for this.   Whatever “this” looks like; I know He has prepared my way and this detour is also part of His plan for me.

I won’t lie and say that I’m excited for this next part because my heart hasn’t caught up to my brain…….but I am ready.   and I trust.

So.  Here I am, Lord.  Send me.

In the meantime…..I’ll be working on my heart.   And drinking coffee.

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