Category Archives: Changes

The recurring battle

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I have worried about my weight for as long as I can remember.  Probably from middle school on.    When I look back on my school pictures though, I see a normal girl who went through her thick before shooting up phase and later on, in high school, a fit and athletic girl who looked super cute in a bikini.  What the heck was I worrying about my weight for??

Who knows really.  Yes, family drama and divorce and responsibilities far beyond a 14 year old’s capacity probably contributed to emotional eating and the beginning of bad habits.  We can finger point and dissect it a million different ways, but at the end of the day, we all have our battles and my longest-lasting battle definitely comes in the form of food.

Fast forward many moons and 4 kids and I continue to battle those demons.  My Hubby is amazing and supportive and certainly loves me whether I’m fluffier or more fit and I am grateful for that.  The truth is, I have seasons where I do better and others where I don’t give a rat’s a** and just give into the yoga pants on the daily.  In spite of the support and encouragement of family and friends.  There is always a battle present and it is exhausting.

At this time in my life, it’s not about being a size 2, I mean my skeleton isn’t designed for that.  And I’m OK with that.  What IS true is that I’m just uncomfortable.  I’m tired.  All those years of taking care of patients who tell me “don’t get old” and “I wish I would have taken better care of myself when I was younger”, well, that is getting to me.  I see friends and patients who are fighting cancer and I know that we fight our best fight when we are at our strongest:  mentally, physically, spiritually.  Most days I’m 2 out of 3, I want 3 of 3. That is not too much to ask and the time has come to put these beasts down.  For good.

So.  Here I go again.  Changing things up.  While I won’t say it’s a “diet” so much, mostly because I don’t do well on diets, but certainly changing my eating up.  More Paleo.  Ish.  A friend introduced me to Mark’s Daily Apple  and I really like his approach.  So for me, the focus is more FOOD food, less processed food and keeping my carbs under 100g a day.  I’m using myFitnesspal to track my choices and my fitbit to track my moving.

Technically I’m on week 2, however, week 1 got sidetracked by Hurricane Matthew and you just go on with your bad self if you can stick to cleaner eating while stuck in a 2 Br/2 Ba house with 7 people, 1 dog, 1 cat and the uncertainty of a massive storm potentially getting ready to wipe out your city and flood your neighborhood.  As for me, well…….I did my best, but I won’t lie; hte candy corn and the iced cookies, they went down.  Timber.  This week, however, power back up.  Home good.  Debris mostly cleaned.  Closing in on “normal” and it was a good strong week.  Slight “cheating” today, but not horrific and verdict is:  down 3 pounds total since I started.  I’ll take it.  It’s time to put this battle to rest.

Time=Runaway train

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Right now, I just came off Facebook reviewing all the back to school pictures that I missed this week……taking Facebook off my phone has been AMAZEBALLS, y’all.  Truly.  So freeing.  Anyway, I was perusing.  So fun to see how much my friends kiddos have grown.

I was NOT prepared for all of the first year of college send off pics that filled my feed.  One after another.  I see those smiley faces, bags, dorms, full trunks and I know this is what we do.  We grow them up and send them off.  It is the circle of life.  And I just want to cry.  Just a few minutes, a nice big cry in my bathroom, cathartic and snotty and be done.

And then our oldest turned 19 this week and since he nevers lets me take his picture anymore without a crazy face, I posted a throwback to about 12 years old and I’m dying all over again.

Then our almost 17 yo stayed at a friends after the football game last night and I’m just wanting to shackle them all to their rooms.  Forever.  And hug them and kiss them and squeeze them tight.  But I guess that would be weird.  So.  I won’t.

Top it off with the fact that I am on Day 3 of the St. Monica novena for our kids and the spiritual attacks are real.  I was truly mean and grumpy last night.  Embarrasingly so.  I owe my kids an apology.  Already gave one to the Hubs.  And the dreams last night.  So vivid.  So haunting.  So nerve wracking and I know right where they are coming from.  Thereby doubling up the prayers for all (and if you could offer up a few for me that’d be greatly appreciated!).

Anyway.  Father Time, cut the crap and slow this train down.  I’m just here trying to enjoy the journey!

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 

That’s a wrap!

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Sunset tonight brings our vacation to an end.  We finished up with the monumental task of buying a new (to us) vehicle–about as much fun as a visit to the dentist.  Once we get a few things adjusted and it sits in our driveway it will be a little more fun, for now though it is a bittersweet moment for this sentimental sap.

We’ve had our “Green machine” since our oldest daughter was a baby.  14 years, 240,00 miles, countless park visits, potty training, beach days, sports practices and games, concerts, friend visits, family visits, school bus, taxi, girls weekends 2 new drivers, and longevity and dependability during the toughest season of our marriage.  She was and is a faithful girl.  She might currently be a little rough on the aesthetics (Florida sun and failure to wax regularly are a real thing) and drinks a little oil, but she is solid and beast!

Fortunately, to soften the blow, she will go to our oldest son as an alternative transportation for work and days when his motorcyle isn’t the best choice.  Which means the morning vehicle shuffle is about to get all kinds of interesting up in here and a car key hanger is going up ASAP in the kitchen for easy access.  In the grand scheme of life, these are minor inconveniences and not even worthy to grouse about.  Three cheers for our Yukon, well done, good and faithful servant and greetings to our Enclave.

May this next season be as fruitful and faithful as this one.

GREEN MACHINE

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

     There is an appointed time for everything,
    and a time for every affair under the heavens.
 A time to give birth, and a time to die;
    a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
    a time to tear down, and a time to build.
 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
    a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
    a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
 A time to seek, and a time to lose;
    a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
 A time to rend, and a time to sew;
    a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
 A time to love, and a time to hate;
    a time of war, and a time of peace.

To each his own

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We have just come off of graduation season.  And we have made it through our first of 4 (God willing!) in the next few years.  I have to tell you.  It did not look like I thought it would.  While I struggled with this in the beginning, as I processed it and opened my eyes to what was happening,  I was able to embrace it.  Slowly, I was actually able to relax in this and chuckle in the reality that our plans must be so much entertainment for God.    When we do actually step back and look at the big picture, sometimes we get a little better idea of living the plan God has in mind for us rather than struggle to keep our own agenda alive.

In these 18 (almost 19) years of parenting, I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the differences in each of our children.  There are similarities to be sure, but the differences between the kids and between us as parents has me always trying to readjust my view of life based on our kid’s perception, my husband’s perception and we ALL have a different outlook.  Isn’t that the way it is in life?  So why does this frequently catch me off guard in my own family?  The struggle of being human is real, I tell you!

Any time I am able to detach my will from any given situation it’s crazy what I can learn.  Things that I view as important to take care of RIGHT!  NOW?  Not always the case.  Emotions and hormonal struggles of the teen life?   Those require a stepping back and dusting off the brain recall of that truly tough transition in life from little kid to big kid.  Raising up humans is constant motion, assess, re-assess and alter course.  There is no black or white.  That is the constant reminder to myself; we are all different and there are many, many ways to live this life.

Bearing all this in mind, when I am able to reconcile these truths the reality is that when your kiddo has a different view on school and finishes 6 months early, graduation holds no interest for him.  Appeasing his mother for graduation pictures for announcements is a compromise.  The time to sit in graduation ceremonies will come and will come on multiple occasions but for now we sit back and watch this kid grow into a young man on a path that I never would have even imagined and  yet it just feels right for him.  Once I put my own agenda down and allowed God to take control (I’m always playing tug of war with control), my eyes were opened to yet another path and truth that God truly does have this.  These little humans are HIS.  On loan to us.  And HE does a WAY better job of taking care of them than I ever could.  And THAT is awesome.

So, Jesus, I trust in you.  Take the wheel.  I’ll try not to take it back , but we both know I will.  So have patience with me and I will continue to work on that, too.

Fitbit fun

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So I joined the fitbit party.  At work we are having a corporate-wide “Eat Right for Life” challenge and since I am already tracking my food (week 1–mostly tracked, definitely an improvement) I thought this would be a good addition.

And you might have read my recent post on how I’m not super motivated because quite frankly I’m comfortable, but……in all reality…..I do believe menopause is on the horizon.  So, I thought maybe I should put a little effort forth and be in my best fighting shape (plus I am reading diet MAY help with the hot flashes and holy heckfire…..if it does, I.  AM.  ALL.  IN. If not, I end up a little healthier, right?  Plus, I have a slight competitive side and am visually motivated, so when I see I am 2,000 steps short of my 10,000 for the day; I lace up and hit it until my wrist vibrates.  Done.

But my favorite part of the fitbit?  In addition to the heart rate feature and watch?  The sleep feature!  Oh my goodness.  I am ridiculously anticipating each morning’s sync so I can see how many times I was restless, woke up, how long it took me to sleep and how much sleep I actually got.  Weird, I know.  But it is SOOOOO COOL!!!

Anyhoo….I am on the lookout for a cuter wrist band or figure out how to make one, but in the meantime trying to get over my frustration of today since I forgot to put it on after my shower and pulled a shift at the hospital where I KNEW I’d bank serious steps, but alas, the steps were still banked, just not logged.  Life will go on.