Tag Archives: Marriage

Marriage. Real life.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage vows and the reality of marriage.  What better day to “discuss” it than Valentine’s Day!

I thought I’d share my perspective on marriage and wedding vows and real life.  I chose the traditional vows that we so easily parrot during our wedding ceremony, but rarely contemplate the gravity of until later in marriage, sometimes too late.   (perhaps this is why people write their own vows, they put more thought into them…but when you are 24….it’s hard to come up with something so incredibly meaningful.  at least it was for us.  maybe you are different.  good for you.  <clap, clap>  we went with the “why re-invent the wheel” attitude).  Either way, there are the vows and then there is life AFTER the vows.

  • I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend  FRIEND.  We are to be each other’s friend.  Sharing in daily comings and goings, joys and sorrows, hopes and dreams, laughing together and holding each other up on the down days.  It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy girl’s night out or boy’s golf day, just make sure you are each other’s friend in the process.   It’s a two way street it takes effort otherwise you’ll end up roommates in no time flat.  Because guess what?  You WILL grow apart.  You WILL have different interests and opinions.  And that’s OK.  Look at Mary Matalin and James Carville for crying out loud, they mix politics and marriage.  Loudly.  And they make it work.  Respect each other’s opinions and differences and that friendship will blossom. And it is GOOD. 
  • my faithful partner and my love from this day forward.   FAITHFUL.  LOVE.  Unless you are a polygamist (which by the way is against the law), when  you took the step to be married to ONE person, it doesn’t mean feel free to shop around at work, the gym, the grocery store, etc.  Again, like the friendship vow, it’s a two way street.  Communicate, cultivate and protect that love, don’t put yourself in situations that may tempt your faithfulness and if you aren’t sure you can stay faithful then don’t take the walk down the aisle.  Better some disappointed parents and friends than a miserable marriage and divorce.  Bottom line, it takes effort.  Remember that you loved each other to become husband and wife and that is important to remember when you don’t see eye to eye and the grass starts to look a little greener on the other side. and from time to time, it will.  true words.
  • In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health,   Yup, right there in FRONT OF GOD and everyone, you are PROMISING to take care of each OTHER.   You don’t live at home anymore, so don’t be expecting Mama to come over and soothe your issues. Fact is:  Sickness comes.  Flu.  Broken bones.  Slipped discs.  Knee surgery.  Addictions.  Weight gain.  Migraines.  Fatigue.  Depression. Cancer.  You name it. It’s out there.  Some of us are born caregivers, some of us are wimpy sick people.  Be loving.  Be kind.  No one is exempt.  It’s life and when it’s your turn to be sick you  will want to be loved and gently cared for.  Lead by example.  Lead in hope that good things come back around.  You know what they say about Karma.  
  • in good times and in bad,  We all have good days and bad days. Shiz happens.  It’s great to have a sounding board to come home to.  Someone to bounce your stuff to and who can give some outside views on what’s happening.  For me, my husband has great insight into my work drama/friend dilemmas/issues I’m struggling with and how to better handle things..not that I always agree in the heat of the venting session, but there is always food for thought.  He keeps me grounded.  When it’s good, it’s so very, very good and when you can share goodness it multiplies.  
  • and in joy as well as in sorrow.  There is balance in everything.  Sadness is inevitable and joy comes in return.  We all mourn differently and there’s a learning curve in dealing with emotional difficulties.  Just breathe.  In and out. Some of the most amazing marriages I know have weathered immense sorrow. together.  lean on me.  when you’re not strong.  
  • I promise to love you unconditionally,   No strings attached.  Not if you do “this” for me or buy me “this” or take me “here”.  Unconditional.  Good bad and ugly.  And there is ugly.  Especially with morning breath and bedhead.  
  • to support you in your goals,  Even if those goals aren’t your goals.  Even if that means you give up some nights or weekends while striving for those goals.  Even if you have to cut back on some vacations and luxury items to meet those goals.  Teamwork pays off.  
  • to honor and respect you,   to listen when you speak.  to look you in the eyes.  to look into your heart.  to stand up for you when you are badmouthed.  to applaud your accomplishments.
  • to laugh with you and cry with you, laughter makes the heart grow fonder and sharing tears splits the sorrow down the middle.  it strengthens your relationship when you can share life together and come out the other side.  ALL of it.
  • and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.  and maybe you will be like one of my many patients who boast of 63 year marriages, 74 year marriages, 52 year marriages.  as they walk out hand in hand.  walker to walker.  unhurried.  in love.  after all those years.  What a blessing when I come across them.
Marriage is hard.  Every day is a journey.  Pick the right “one” and you are blessed.  It ain’t for the faint of heart, so dig in, grab on and hold on.  It’s a crazy life out there and it’s way more fun when you can share it with someone you live your vows with.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Goals. Part 1: Those pesky finances

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In a recent post of mine, I outlined a set of resolutions goals that I want to focus on for this coming year.  After reading my friend’s post on GOALS, I loved that term and along with the original blog I read HERE on how to successfully manage and keep resolutions goals, I have begun to attack them.

Having had the house purse strings in my total control for 7+ years I am happy to hand them back to my hubby.  And I am reluctant. As we navigated those dark and murky waters of change several years ago and I went from a happy-go-lucky, stay-at-home mama to a night shift, full-time worker balancing family, sleep and work (in that order) I also had to have a quick lesson on family finances.  ICK!  Despising the checkbook and the whole organizing of bills, it was a chore I was thrilled to have nothing to do with for most of our marriage, happily acquiescing to my hubby all financial decisions–it’s his strong point, not mine.  However, once it was necessary, I realized how foolish I was to have kept my head in the sand for so long.  What a burden for one person to carry alone.  It was a conversation we never had with small children running around, one I never found important nor interesting.  Stupid girl.  Until it was important.  It occurred to me how many friends I had/have in this  situation and it was one I vow to not find myself in again.  It’s crucial to running a household and marriage, to be on the same page; balancing the budget sucks, however, to live within one’s means it’s imperative to know what’s coming in and what goes out.  In these past years of economic downturn, I am sure many, many people have learned this lesson the hard way.  Like me.  The left hand MUST know what the right hand is doing.

I did an OK job for the first 5 years of hubby’s incarceration.  We were with my parents and I was able to keep debt to a minimum or nil.  After buying our house a couple of years ago, expenses began to creep up and in and while nothing was ever late or unpaid, the debt grew.  Extravagance wasn’t an issue, just 4 kiddos and LIFE.   It is what it is.   And now it’s time to dig out.

Fast forward to 2012, and after having hubby home for 6 months and working, we are both in a good spiritual and mental place to discuss finances.  Lay it all open.  Full disclosure.  I looked forward to it as much as pulling off a band-aid.  But it is necessary to be united in this area.  Finances are widely known to be a MAJOR factor in marital discord and we’ve had enough of that for a long while, thank you.  Time to address the elephant in the room:

Luke 8:17  For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

So we laid it out, put it on an Excel sheet (TypeA hubby), and have the beginnings of our “plan” to start chipping away.  It won’t be overnight.  It’s going to take some discipline.  I’ll tell you what though, it is an enormous weight off my shoulders to have faced that beast and shared that burden.  I know everyone has their own system and you do what works.  For us though, we share it all: income and expense.  For us, that’s what works.  And we march forward.   How about you?  Head in the sand or fully aware?  It’s a difficult topic and generally finances are off-limits as a discussion.  Unfortunately, I think that’s one of the reasons our economy got to be where it is, no one discusses finances.

Now onto tackling the remainder of the resolutions goals.  Quiet time in prayer and Health. To be continued…..

Winding down and gearing up…

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As we wind down Christmas and our tree accelerates the dropping of the needles daily as ornaments desperately cling to crunchy branches, my mind turns to the coming of the new year.  While I’m not big on making/keeping “Resolutions”, I DO always seem to become reflective on things I’d like to improve upon in the coming year.  The New Year is always full of promise and hope, like new school supplies….unsharpened pencils, reams of paper, crisp folders; ready, willing and able to be molded to our choices.

Even though I am quick to claim I don’t make “Resolutions”, the truth is, of COURSE I do.  I just realize that I am only good at keeping them for a couple of weeks.  Since the gym is generally crowed until about February, I also know I have a lot of company in short-lived resolutions.  However, in the blissful, wide-eyed moments of promise and hope to come in the New Year, I feel propelled and motivated, especially after reading “5 Keys to Making and Keeping Your New Year Resolutions” @ The Hill House.  

My course of action for 2012 includes a few things:

  • Eating more healthy and exercising.  Quite the popular one.  Of course I’d like to lose weight, but the reality is that I’m not getting any younger and as my patients tell me daily, “It’s a B**** getting old!” I want to be in a good place to face those physical challenges getting older brings.  I want to run and bike and play with my kids and BEAT THEM in their games–yes, sometimes I AM competitive!  Therefore, in keeping with “defining the win”, my workouts will primarily occur at lunchtime, 3X a week and my eating will consist primarily of clean-er eating and learning how to ditch the processed stuff AND incorporate that into my family’s diet as well.  A HUGE task for sure, but some truly astounding payoffs as well. 
 Just as the story of Daniel (Daniel 1:8-15)  shows how eating clean makes for stronger, better, faster, it’s also indicative of the fact that everything we need to be properly nourished and strengthened is provided by nature, not Publix. 
  • More focused “Quiet time” in prayer and seeking time with Christ.  While my morning routine begins with The Daily Readings, it often ends there as well.  Since I am trying to cram EVERYTHING into my mornings (Quiet time, Exercise, Writing….) there is no singular focus on any one of them.  My quiet time has long sustained me, given me strength, peace, clarity and guidance; it’s time to return, focused and un-hurried to that precious time.  When I begin my day in prayer and focused on His will for me, everything else seems to fall in place.
Matthew 6:33  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
  • Reintroducing hubby to the finance side of the family and tightening up.  As we can finally begin to dig out of debt with his job adding to the household income, his TypeA personality will be crucial to my tendency to slide…..it’s a team effort for certain and certain to experience growing pains, but  we will be able to balance each other  as well as the budget along with becoming better stewards of all that God sees fit to bless us with, and bless us He has.  Abundantly.

Luke 6:38  Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

In reaching for my main goals this coming year, my writing may or may not blossom.  Time will tell.  However, as this has always been more about keeping in touch and therapy for my heart, I’m sure I can always find time to bang out a post now and then; it’s just not a huge priority.  Yet.