Category Archives: Parenting

Children ARE our refining fire…

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After a particularly stressful beginning to our Mass this morning, it occurred to me during Mass (as I prayed diligently for my head to NOT spin off) that it’s quite possible that children are our refining fire.  They are our opportunity to test our faith as we question “Why in the WORLD,Lord, did you ever think I was capable of dealing with all of this drama?”  And He answers:  “Because I made you and you are capable of far more than YOU realize.”

As I mull this over,  my 8 year old kisses my cheek, my 9 year old hugs my waist and my 12 and 14 year old have miraculously turned their hearts back toward us and are no longer complaining about RETURNING to church (yes, twice in one day, IMAGINE that!!!) later in the day.  The ups, the downs, the loopedy loos….ain’t parenting grand?!?

1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes through it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Bringing in the weekend with Pumpkin Chocolate chip cookies among other things!

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— 1 —

And the weekend is once again upon us….Finally Friday, free again…..Everybody’s working for the weekend….Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.…and our neighborhood is having its 2nd annual block party (barring rain, then it moves to Saturday night)…my girlfriend reminded me about some cookies I made last year.  Sooooooooo, my pumpkin-chocolate-chip cookies are baked and ready to go ( you KNOW that sounds good, and this time of year, I am ALL about anything pumpkin!).  if the party is postponed I’m not sure how long I can hold my gang off the cookies though…

— 2 —

Almost a whole week down of “Clean Eating” and I must say that so far so good.  Planning ahead with the meals worked FABULOUS and I felt satisfied and my only cheat was testing out the cookies mentioned in #1….but actually I only had about three and I’m good….didn’t even eat the dough….HUGE accomplishment on that!!!  HUGE!!!  Who doesn’t eat the cookie dough!??!?!?!?!

— 3 —

In my usual procrastination fashion, with Halloween a mere 3 days away, it appears we will be getting into high gear of the whole putting-the-costumes-together-last-minute-and-all.  In all actuality, we have the costumes in our possession but certain little girls can’t seem to make up their minds, certain boys suddenly want to trick or treat ONE LAST TIME….but fear not, it ALWAYS comes together somehow!

— 4 —

I have an opportunity to share how God has worked in our lives over these past 8 years:  before, during and after incarceration.  An actual writing project—fo’ REALZ.  I’m a little queasy at the prospect. That’s coming WAY out of my wheelhouse!!   However, prison ministry is an area that is hugely important to our society.  It shows the unloved that they ARE loved, if not by their own family and friends, Christ is ALWAYS present.  I haven’t done the research (yet) but I’m quite sure it’s safe to say that the majority of society have blinders on when it comes to prison and probation.  “Don’t ask, don’t tell” and “as long as I don’t have to deal with it, I’ll just mind my business”.  The problem is, it’s ALL of our business when prisoners are released and return to society.  The more positive reinforcements they receive and support groups on the outside, the more likely they will be to be productive in society.  And I can assure you, the prisons are overcrowded and understaffed and rehabilitation comes to very few.

— 5 —

I started to grumble about my Monday afternoon “Taxi duty” of the drop off, pick up, drop off, pick up and repeat and repeat and THEN it occurred to me.  At this time, we only have ONE day during the week where it’s that bad, I have other friends who do it multiple times a week.  Who am I to complain?  I am glad that our kids are involved in extracurriculars.  It gives them a great outlet physically, they meet friends and they open up their interests.    Sure, some seasons it’s more intense than others, but each year goes by more quickly, the kids keep getting taller and one day I am going to miss all this chaos.  And only because I can look back on their toddler and baby years and ACHE for that time again do I know it’s true.

— 6 —

Our youngest diva daughter and I had an appointment with the Deacon at our church this week to address her bedtime-anger issues.  It was time to pull in a third-party because it’s a little BEYOND ridiculous.  I have learned that sometimes, when you parent, you have to realize you need someone else to tell your kids the same things you’ve told them a million times, because their voice is different and for some reason they actually HEAR them.  whatever.  I’m good with it.  She appears to have taken the conversation to heart…..so far.  Her attitude is much better and PRAISE BE TO GOD, we haven’t had to go back in a second time ALL week-long!!!  Glory, that’s a huge celebration!!!!

— 7 —

Last week I cut my hair.  It’s been long for quite a while this time.  I only went to my shoulders, long layered.  It’s so FUN!  My head feels so light and when I drive with the windows down I can still see what’s in front of me.  I love a good haircut.

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Love God, Love your neighbor…easy, right?

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Today’s Gospel reading:

GospelMt 22:34-40

When the Pharisees heard that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees,
they gathered together, and one of them,
a scholar of the law tested him by asking,
“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” 
He said to him,
“You shall love the Lord, your God,
with all your heart,
with all your soul,
and with all your mind.
This is the greatest and the first commandment.
The second is like it:
You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 
The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.”
Heard it a million times.  Rolls off my tongue often, reminding my children that they ARE each other’s neighbors and to be kind and loving, for crying out loud!!!  Our pastor’s homily truly resounded with the Gospel in which he asked us how many times we truly LOVE our neighbor and some really, REALLY good reasons why NOT to love our neighbor.
Loving your neighbor might put you in a tricky position of “how much does one give to help out?”  And I thank God for the neighbor who employed my husband for two months of solid work right out of prison.  No judgement.  No pity.   A hand up.
Loving your neighbor might put you in a tricky position of getting sucked into someone else’s drama.  And I think of all my patients who come in and just need a friendly ear for a few minutes, as their days consist of being homebound, at the mercy of others, with families who might be too far away to help, (geographically or emotionally), and they just need someone to care and listen…even if it’s just a few minutes.
Loving your neighbor might put you in a tricky position of giving away some of your time, talent or treasures.  And I thank God for all the generosity of friends bestowed up us while hubby was “away” at Christmas and throughout the year, material possessions, housing during our visitation trips, babysitting during our visitation trips, prayer requests and prayerful guidance and mentoring during difficult times.
Loving your neighbor might put you in a tricky position of sharing your house for an extended period of time.  And I thank God for parents who put us up in their home for 5 years while the kids were small until I was able to do it myself.
Loving your neighbor might put you in the tricky position of opening up to new friends and putting your heart and humility on the line until you see if that friendship blossoms.  And so we did:
We had two sets of our neighbors over for dinner yesterday evening.  It was nice.  A lovely fall temperature, windows open, kids playing, enjoying the back porch and some white chicken chili, pumpkin muffins, jalapeno cornbread, hamburgers and veggies and dip, followed by ghosts in the graveyard desert.  Yum.  But it was also a time to catch up on each other’s lives and scratch a bit below the surface niceties.  Trading parenting and homework-helping tips.  Chasing toddlers, watching a baby nod off in papa’s arms, letting teens and tweens socialize through grunts and no agenda for any of us.  And it was nice.  To break bread.  To get to know our neighbors better. And to be loved.  Knowing that these people are living out God’s commandments as they “go against the grain” of society in be-friending a felon and his family.  As we went to bed last night, hubby said it was nice to have such a “normal” evening.  And it WAS nice.  And I thank God for beautiful moments like this.

I can’t do it all!!

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I am fascinated by some of my friends and the number of TV shows they DVR and actually watch!!  And I wonder what in the heck am I doing wrong?  Personally, I have nothing against TV (though some of the content shown is suspect, and seriously??  I know CSI is a huge hit, but how many versions do we need????) but I just can’t seem to find time to watch it.  Truth be told, without DVR, I don’t think I’d have the patience for it either.  So, I am dissecting my “problem” this morning, in the wee, quiet hours of the morning with the windows open and the entire house blissfully still sleeping.

1.  We have 4 children and currently 1 TV.  Our kids actually don’t watch a ton of TV; they enjoy it, but prefer to be doing other things.  Of course with time change right around the corner, outside activities will be curtailed at an earlier hour and as a result, TV viewing will go up.  It’s a cycle…However, there is frequently homework to be done, reviewed and helped with; blaring TV’s (even softly blaring) are a huge distraction and so it stays off.

2.  I like to read.  We all actually like to read.  nerdy.  I’m good with it.   And once we enforce “reading time” we usually have to wrestle the books out of their hands for lights out….one more page, please???  ahhhh, it’s great.  The 14 year-old is a little trickier, but once he gets a book he enjoys….look out.  The 8 year-old likes to talk about reading…for a LONG time…before she actually reads, but then she’s hooked and obsessed with how many pages she’s read and how many are left, so reading AND math=double bonus!!  and so the TV stays off.

3.  I get up ridiculously early.  We have 4 children (see #1) and I enjoy peace and quiet.  O’Dark Hundred is the only true peace and quiet I can call my own.  Even dear hubby knows…don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at LEAST my first cup of coffee!!  I read the Daily Readings, pray, blog, catch up on news and Facebook and drink coffee.  Some days I mix it up and go to the gym.  Or with the cooler weather, walk around the neighborhood instead of the stuffy gym.  The TV doesn’t work well with these activities. and so it stays off.

4.  I like sleep.  and since I get up ridiculously early (see #3), I really need to hit the hay earlier to get a respectable 7 hours.  I love our bed.  It’s like a big marshmallow.  Open window+Cool fall air+cozy comforter+good book+kids in bed=happiness.  ABSOLUTELY no room for the TV in that.  and so it stays off.

5.  I like to catch up with hubby.  Now with all those kids, homework, extracurricular activities and stuff, we have to fight for those minutes and therefore….the TV stays off.

And now that I’ve dissected WHY I don’t get to my several behind episodes of Gene Simmons and Real Housewives (yeah, quality TV, baby!) I am continually fascinated by my friends.  HOW do they get ANYthing done?!?!  I clearly need to work on my organizational skills or learn to live with less sleep and quite honestly, I just don’t feel like doing either!

Proverbs 31:15  She rises up while it is still night and provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.

OK, disclaimer here…I don’t profess to be a Proverbs 31 wife, though it IS still dark when I rise, my early rising makes me a better mom and wife, sometimes I DO get the crock pot going, but I don’t have female servants…unless you count doling out chores for my daughters.  Just didn’t want anyone thinking I’m all that….but getting up early really works for ME.  and so does keeping the TV (mostly) off.  

Where’s the manual???

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There are very few jobs where you can just wing it day-by-day.  If I were to do that at my job, (make it up as I went along) I’d be calling a lot of patients back for repeat studies, additional radiation (and TRUST me, we get grilled on CT radiation dose many times a week due to all the media reports in the last couple of years) angry doctors on the referring end as well as the reviewing end (i.e. my bosses).  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t last a week, much less a day or two depending on which bosses I was working with that day.  With 4 kiddos to feed, clothe and entertain (to some degree) and a husband just getting his feet back on the ground after release from prison, this really wouldn’t work so well for our family.  So, it brings me to wonder, how in the WORLD we are qualified to be parents, and how in the WORLD does this even work!?!?!?

We make a good team, hubby and I, we balance each other out in the parenting department (as well as other departments).  Over the last several years, we have co-parented to the best of our abilities with our “situation”.  I’ve read a TON of books, picked friend’s brains, prayed and agonized over decisions and though I am definitely still “winging it daily”, it comes down to some pretty basic principles.

1.  Do all things in LOVE.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Whether its doing the fifth load of laundry in two days, cooking dinner, helping out with Algebra, spelling tests, reading buddies and a Science project simultaneously for four different grade levels, teaching the benefits of good hygiene, the importance of not slugging your brother “just because” or doling out consequences for poor choices, there is a good way and a not so good way.  Parenting out of frustration, exasperation, fear, fatigue or selfishness is just not going to work, plain and simple.  There’s a lot of backtracking to clean up the debris (and I’ve done it!) and tons of confusion on the kid’s part, as in “what in the world do you expect of me?”; it’s basically back to square ONE!  However, when dealt with in love, love brings clarity, provides security, is honest, is patient and brings consistent peace to the heart….even when that heart is plugging it’s ears, stomping it’s feet and slamming doors, it still squeezes in…kind of like a hamster, those buggers can get in ANYwhere!!

1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

2.   Be consistent.

Boy. This is my downfall.  I have really good intentions (and you know what they say about the road paved by good intentions….) however, life and my wishy-washy, need-to-please character seem to weasel their way in and muddy up my sticking power.  This is where hubby is a good balance in our parenting.  He is a Type-A, “say what you mean and mean what you say” kind of guy.  I envy him.  He (at least on the surface) keeps his emotions out of it; he lays out the blueprint of expectations and ramifications (if necessary) and stands back.  Now since the kids have had me on a 24/7 basis and Daddi-O encouraging from the sidelines these past years, it’s been a bit of “culture shock” as we all adapt to this consistency.  We present a united front on parenting, which is GREAT, because the kids know I have an ally, someone who is there to encourage ME to follow through and get on the “mean-what-you-say-say-what-you-mean” train. Though there have been some mutinous reactions, after four months they are coming around.  And so am I.  The one thing I am trying to work on is to use the “We” in directions and not the “dad”….trying to avoid the finger-pointing and copping out.  It’s been tough.  But we are getting there.

3.  Pray.

Since there is no manual. Since this is an improvisational job.  In my morning quiet time I hand it over to God.  These are HIS children. For however long He deems them to be here on earth, He has given them to us to raise up as responsible, kind, loving, sharing people.  To spread His love and message through words and actions.  We are called to lay the foundation.  That is where prayer comes in.  Pray that they hear His message.  Pray that they feel loved by us.  Pray that they will follow that still, quiet voice among the noise and temptations of the world.  Pray for their protection.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray for guidance.  It’s pretty clear why St. Paul exhorts us to “pray without ceasing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17.  We can’t be there 24/7 no matter how hard we try.  He can.  He is.  He always has.  He always will be.

Love.  Consistency.  Prayer.  All else will fall into place.  And if it doesn’t……revert to #3, again and again and again